Lost

Lost-unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts.

Have you ever felt lost? What do you do? What to do when your kids feel like its you? Especially when you have zero support from the person that said for better for worst. When you know what you put into the family you so desired like I did. Is it better to separate or you keep going because the vows you took? How do you recover from all the trauma that has occurred that has you ill for so long? I'm so tired.

For so long I had carried my daughters and the father of my children. I was INDEPENDENT and I did everything by myself while my significant other worked out of the house. There were so many red flags that I should have seen but I was blind. If I knew then what I know now, I tell you wholeheartedly I wouldn't have chosen the person I vowed to love for better for worst. I did not sign up for the road I'm on. Its so lonely and dark. I'm Lost. Yes, I have all the money he makes but, I don't need to be brought with money. Money is worthless if I don't have love and intimacy. Please don't get me wrong, he is such an amazing provider and incredible Daddy. That is where I'm blessed but it shouldn't stop there. I just thought that he would change as time went by, he would mellow out. He has always felt that he would be the boss and I was the manager of our family. Hmm, I think he thought since I'm Hispanic that I would clean and cook and take care of kids all day long.He said the moment he got out of work he shouldn't have to do anything else the moment he entered the door. He is always on the computer and his phone when he gets home. That is his world he wants to live in. There isn't enough time in the day to do it all when our Daughters are so involved in extracurricular activities since they were little. I was so involved in my daughters life. I enjoyed it to the fullest before I fell ill. I miss that part of my life, I so desire to get back to that place where I didn't need anybody to help me. Wait, its extremely hard to get help when he feels that there it ain't nothing wrong with me and it's all in my head. How can I get better physically when I can't even get medical help without getting beaten down emotionally from the person that is suppose to protect me? I'm trying so hard to keep going and tell my myself eventually God will do a miracle and restore my life. I can't wait anymore, my Daughters need me at 100%. My baby is about to be five years old so she will still be here at home for years to come. She needs me like my other three daughters had me. She hasn't had the opportunity to have the best of me.

I'm a liar, not trustworthy, a manipulator and I get what I want, is what he says. To know that's how he feels about me hurts so badly. I know it ain't the truth and I should let it slide off like butter. I can't. My daughters are starting to rebel against me at times. What they hear their daddy say they repeat. I'm not angry at the girls, it ain't their fault. Our daughters are both our worlds. They have both our love. We just on different sides of this journey. I can't do noting right in his eyes. I'm so tired. If I didn't need to depend on him I wouldn't. I have always been a fighter to get ahead. I stopped my passion so he could get ahead and so my girls could have me full time which I don't regret one moment. Like I have said before, I was put on this earth to be a Mom. It's the best job in world that no money can replace that job.

Is it best to separate? I say yes, but our daughters have told us they would rather have us together and fighting than to be in a broken home. I agree to a certain extent. If it was a two way street but it's a one way. If I ain't thinking like him, I'm wrong all the time no matter the situation. I know what it feels to be from a broken home and I don't want that for mine. I have put up with this for nineteen years and it hasn't gotten better where it is most important. All I know is that I'm so tired.

Lately, I've been asking myself, "How do I recover from this storm?" I know, I know. PRAY. Is God even hearing me? I know that there would be trials and tribulations but for how long? I am sick whether people believe me or not. I know what my body is going through. I'm tired of hearing, "You can do better" "You choose not to do it" "You are lazy" my favorite one is "It's all in your head." We are better off as best friends and co parents to our beautiful girls. They deserve both of their parents. We can still live together but I need to get over that we will never have a marriage but we will always be Great parents.

I will eventually get "ME" back. I'm gong to fight for my life to be restored. Whether if it's with my Daughters father or without. One day I will be able to stand alone on my two feet and enjoy what I had before with my Daughters. The girls used to say I was their Super Mom and I never failed them. I was the person they saw at every event they had. With the help of my outside family and my Mom, I will get the help that I need. Family is all I need. I sincerely wished it was different. I just needed the right support and maybe one day God will restore my marriage but for now, I need to focus on me so I can be here for my daughters for many years to come. I truly love my babies and they deserve better. Right now I'm lost and that's ok, eventually I will find myself again soon.