Life as an individual with physical disabilities from birth has been anything but a life long journey. Its an everyday struggle don't get me wrong, there are some amazing times in there. I know that everyone has these times but for people like me its different. Like that saying says, Why fit in when your were BORN TO STAND OUT" by Dr. Seuss. God only knows why I go through things that seem far fetch.
Most days I want to run from it all and I literally have to stop myself and remember its not about just me. I'm a Mother of four beautiful girls that need a mom more than ever in this world today. I also remember that God holds my future. He the only one that can take it away from me. He told me not to worry because he holds my future. It can get extremely hard when I'm dealt with card that I feel I shouldn't have to go through. This past year and a half hasn't been easy on my physical body. My body has suffered in a way that I can't explain what has happened. I know that something went wrong along the way because for months I couldn't comprehend what I wanted to say or do. It was a burden on my daughters and even for my Husband that couldn't understand why I was being the way I was, Lifeless. I couldn't even walk, I used a walker for months and I even got to the point that I couldn't even eat my food. Something was definitely not right but I couldn't even explain to the doctors and my Husband couldn't even explain either, his frustration grew bigger that I felt like he hated the person I was without really knowing there was something wrong so I gave up going to find answers because it got uncomfortable going with my Husband. So, I came this far on my own until I got the support from my family that saw something was not right and they helped me through this ordeal. I still didn't go back to the doctors because I got so nervous and had panic attacks that I have never felt in my life, it was the scariest feeling I have ever felt. God only knows that I've been through it all in the medical area in my life that I could handle everything like a champ but this part of my journey has been the scariest. Sometimes I feel like I've been through more pain and suffering than most people will ever experience. I'm trying so hard to deal with this on my own and telling myself I can do it by myself but I ain't winning this battle. My girls are seeing their mom fading away slowly and it hurts so bad because to them, I'm their Super Mom that can't be broken. How can I teach my girls how to be strong when I struggle to be strong myself? In reality they do see their Super Mom being strong because I'm still here pulling it together. This coming year in 2022 I will be taking steps to getting back to great Health, I have a lot to live for and that's for my beautiful Children and to be a testimony to others that are feeling like they have no hope. I'm here to say there is hope for your life.
Along with my physical health came with a lot of emotional baggage. I now know that everything that I was feeling was just the frustration of not being the person I was before. My health put feelings of unworthy, and I was just a burden to my family. I cried for months because I so desired my life back and no matter how hard I tried everyday to get out of bed, I couldn't. I felt like a failure to my baby girl because my older girls got the best of me and my little girl got the worse of me and with no help. I worried everyday how I was going to get out of bed to feed my baby or take her to the bathroom and when it was time to potty train, God knows I tried with everything in me to gather all the strength that I could gather up to train her. To hear my Debralin say, "Mama, I love you" I knew I had to fight harder. My girls are my world and I knew I had to get out of where I was for so long. For so long I couldn't even tell my Mom what I was going through, there were months that I ignored her calls and I ignored everyone, I didn't want nobody to know what I was going through because I had toxic people treat me terrible when I let them in and told me it was all in my head and to get over it. Gosh, what I would have loved to have gotten over it fast. To me, I feel like God put me through this part of my journey to slow me down and think about what is important in my life. From who should be in my life to who I needed to depart from. This year has shown me the true colors of people that needed to leave my circle because they were a huge part of the problem. Like I was told from somebody, "Its ok to love someone from a distance". Not only did it affect me emotionally but it also affected my children. Everything changed for them as well, so I taught them that most things will only last in seasons and the ones that should last in their lives will never leave.
My faith had faded because people I once loved so deeply turned their backs on me and more importantly my daughters because of a decision that I made. They made me feel like I was the most horrible person on the planet. God only knows the time and effort I put into the relationships that I valued. How can someone preach about forgiveness and letting go and God is love and then turn around and do the complete opposite? For someone that is trying to find God would get confused and start to question their faith. I understand we are human and make mistakes but when it becomes a regular habit then its not a mistake but a act of unrighteousness. When this happens, we need to be careful that we don't lose site in what is Truth, God is Love and he does want us to forgive and move on but not with a vengeance. We can't mimic what isn't righteous. We want to make a positive impact on people that need it the most.
I have learned so much this year when I was put on slow motion. I'm learning how to deal with my situation one day at a time. People tell me, "Just let it go" it is easier said then done. I have had to learn how to walk with confidence, how to eat and how to think all over again. I know its only God that has gotten me out slowly with positive progress alongside of my close family. Things have gotten so much better with my Husband since we made some changes in our lives for the better. I do have a lot to be grateful for this year. We made it through one of the hardest years we have ever been dealt with, we celebrated our second Daughter Quinceañera. There was a day I sincerely thought I was not going to make it to see her in her beautiful dress and be able to dance with her the "Mother\Daughter dance. Oh my goodness, did we enjoy ourselves that night. That night, was an eye opener for Matthew and I, we are proud parents of Four daughters.
No matter what life has dealt for you, it will get better. You have to want to push for greatness in your life. Nobody can make you get there but it does make it better if you find the right support system to take alongside of your journey. Don't be afraid to ask for help, it does not make you weak but lets the people that care most for you figure out ways to help guide you in a directions that can be life changing. We have to learn that in this life we will have trials and errors and we also will have many many wonderful times along the way. When those wonderful times come, hold on to those memories. Learn who you can trust and who will just drain you dry. If its affecting your inner peace its ok to let them go, there is nothing wrong with that. You have to do what is in the best interest for YOU. If they can't be there for you at your worst moments without judging you instead of encouraging you then they don't deserve to see you at your very best of you life. We control our own journey, we get to write our script. Lets make it the best journey that God gave us to enjoy. If I can get through all these obstacles, so can you. Go get it, reach for the stars and remember don't ever stop trying to make it better for yourself. God only knows what your future holds.
Why fit in when your were BORN TO STAND OUT" by Dr. Seuss
Super Mom trying to stay afloat.
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