This goes out to all the single ladies and even gentlemen.
Gong into a marriage is something you shouldn't take lightly. I'm not sure if your parents ever gave you advice in what to look for in a relationship. I wish I had somebody that would have spoken to me about several things that I, myself struggle with. This blog will cover what "I" myself would have liked to know before I got married that I had to learn the hard way. Remember this is one sided and my truth and from a female perspective and seventeen years of experiences in my marriage.
You know that feeling when you start dating and you think you are on top of the world and nothing can go wrong? Well, don't get comfortable with that because it will change. It doesn't have to be a bad thing so "Communication" is the best tool to have between the two of you. Even when it gets uncomfortable to speak about certain topics keep the communication open at all times. My advice to you Singles out there is talk about EVERYTHING. Everything meaning, boundaries, your needs, culture, beliefs, In-laws and even boundaries with the In-laws, friends and last, how would you all Parent when the babies start coming into the world when that day comes. All these things are good things to talk about before you get married.
I went into this marriage blind. I thought it would be a fairy tale and I thought it would be perfect because here was this man that promised me the world and everything I wanted would come true. My husband and I never talked about a lot of these topics. One that hit us hard was Culture. He is White from Indiana and very much his way of thinking is the right way and loves to be at home between four walls and on his computer when he ain't working. I'm Hispanic and from southern Texas that loves to be around family and my Girls are my number one priority and love to serve others. This was such a struggle in the beginning of our marriage. I thought he would be fine going to all the parties my family would have. I hated to go alone because I wanted him around so everyone would think my marriage was perfect. Remember, I was young at 22 and didn't know exactly how to handle a lot of situations. My husband to this day hates going to parties but he goes willing because he says he loves me. That has taken him seventeen years to be more open to going with me without it leading to arguments. Ooh, did we have lots of arguments and still do. So, if you have different cultural livings talk about what you want out of each other. Like holidays, birthdays and so on. There is lots to talk about when it comes to Cultural differences.
Beliefs is something we didn't have to worry about in our marriage. We both believed in God and try to keep him in the center of our marriage. Why do you think we have lasted seventeen years? Trust me, it hasn't been easy in the least. I, myself am surprised we are still together but this I know, it has been all Gods doing. What God put together no man can tear apart and I strongly believe that whole heartily. Find that spouse that beliefs in God and is willing to fight the good and the bad with you.
You all, this topic is touchy. Boundaries, you need them. Communicate to your partner where he or she can't cross. What I mean by that is... If they like to go to the bar and drink and you don't like that let them know, and please don't put up with it. If they love you they will compromise with you. There are lots of boundaries that can be covered and only you know what you want out of other. My husband and I struggled in this area for years and to be exact eight years. I knew when we were dating he loved his exotic magazines and videos and me being naive thought he would give it up when we got married, well I was wrong. I wished I would have spoken to him about it before we got married. It took a lot of work for him to give up that addiction he had, it could have caused him his family and by the grace of God he realized what he was doing was hurting me in a way that he could no longer continue to doing and was brought to conviction. You all, everything is workable with communication. Talk about it all, there is nothing to small or big of a boundary to talk about. Remember, every relationship is different.
A different type of Boundaries is Family meaning In-Laws, you have to talk to your partner what you all expect from the other side of the families. My In-Laws are great people. They have done a lot for our family. What I didn't know was with time that would go south very fast. Make sure when getting to know your partner and if marriage is in the talks that you let the other know your expectations. Meaning, how often you want them over, which holidays are important to have with the other families. This was another area where we struggled. I'm very family oriented so I thought it would be a great idea to have my In-laws over often so they wouldn't miss anything when our Girls started to come into the world. My husband hated it, he would say if it was up to him he would only have them over three times a year. I'm sorry, but I fought that all way. I didn't want my children to miss out. They were so willing to always come over and spend time with us. Then, at the time I didn't have my mom around for many years so I would go to my in-laws especially my mother in law for everything and I mean everything. There was no conversation I wouldn't hide from her. Then, realized that was not a great idea to let them know everything. My husband warned me many many times not to tell his parents anything. Well, to say the least I've learned my lesson. I love my in-laws but I should have listened to my husband in that area. I just needed a mom that would listen to me with no judgement, I desired it badly and I got burned. You all don't make that mistake and tell your in-laws things that can come back and haunt you in a bad way. Your in-laws don't need to be put in that situation ever. Love on them and make sure they are good but stop it there.
Here is a good one to talk about, Parenting. Oh my goodness, have we struggled in this area. Remember our cultural differences well we still fight about who has the right way of doing things. It can be small as in what sport they are gong to play or when can they have their first sleepover or like us that have all girls, when they can get their ears pierced. Thanks to my Mom she did it with our oldest without telling us. We can laugh about it now. I cant stress how important the communication is. Just wait when your children become teenagers. We are in that battle now and I wish they had a manuel for how to deal with teenagers.
Lastly, communicate your "Needs" to your partner. Let them know what you expect from one another. Talk about what you as a person needs for them. I learned the hard way, This is where I thought I would live a fairy tale. I honestly didn't know that I would have such trouble in this are with my husband. I thought it would fall into place when we got married. I never thought that it would be so difficult for him to show me what I desired from him. I thought he would want to spend all his time with me and we be intimate all the time. I remember going to marriage counseling before got married and our pastor at time told us to get a jar and put a bean for every time we would be intimate that it would be full by the end of the year. Trust me, I was so excited about that part of marriage but to find out that one percent of men don't find intimacy something that they needed. So, please talk to your partner and set something up that you both can agree with whether its setting up date nights to how many times per week you want sex to even just spending time with each other doing nothing.
I would like to end this blog with saying that I love my Husband with all his imperfections. I made that choice to stick with him for the better or worst. It can be lonely at times but I am trusting God that one day he will change his heart til that day comes, I will wait patiently. Remember to always keep the communication open with your partner and if by any chance they don't share the same concept as you or even come into middle ground, you don't need to stay in that relationship. God has that perfect one for you out there.
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